


Gravity

by Duckiesurprise



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, F/F, Minor Laura Hollis/Danny Lawrence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 12:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2621360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckiesurprise/pseuds/Duckiesurprise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the first day of her first semester at Silas University, Laura sees a girl sitting in the last row of her philosophy class that instantly captures her attention. The only problem is that the girl turns out to be her professor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> Quick thanks to Yara for offering to beta this monster for me, sorry for being so impatient. Also thanks to my best friend for the title and possibly also to Sara Bareilles who or may not have been her inspiration for it. To everyone, this is the first fic I've written in years but I'm really proud of it and I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think!

You know it’s cliché, you’re a journalism major after all so you’re very familiar with over used phrases, but you swear that the moment you see her everything stops. You’ve just walked into your first philosophy class of the semester and you’re surprised that there are so many students here already, given that you’ve arrived 15 minutes early to class. Also, you didn’t think philosophy was a very popular course- you certainly wouldn’t be here if you had had a choice. You’re standing at the front of the lecture hall scanning the room for a place to sit when you see her.

She’s sitting in one of the top rows, her feet kicked up on the seat in front of her, looking completely bored and disaffected. She has long dark hair and smooth clear skin and she seems to be completely absorbed in a philosophy book. Vaguely, you start to wonder where the other students went when someone bumps into you and everything comes back into focus. You realize you’ve been standing at the front of the class just gawking at this girl for who knows how long, meanwhile most of the students have taken their seats while waiting for the professor and, aside from the students still trickling in, you’re the only one still standing.

As you’re shaking yourself from whatever daydream you just woke up from, you look back up into the rows and the girl is looking straight at you. You lock eyes and the world fades away again, she smiles at you then, a small enigmatic smile and you can’t help but blush and look away. When you manage to look back up, you see that she’s making her way down to where you are and you feel like you can’t breathe. She’s only a few steps away from you when you hear her speak for the first time in a low, sultry tone and you almost melt.

“Better take a seat, cupcake.”

She brushes past you and stands in front of the class, addressing the entire auditorium. She introduces herself as the professor and for a second no one knows how to react but it’s obvious they don’t believe her. She looks young, as young as any of them, and she just came down from one of the auditorium seats, it has to be a joke.

She smirks and proceeds to fire up the projector and log in to the faculty computer. She looks back up at you and arches an eyebrow. You realize you’re still standing and when you turn back to the class, the only empty seat happens to be in the first row. Right in the center. You take your seat and she proceeds to start the lesson.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Her name is Professor Karnstein but she tells the class to call her Carmilla. She wears ripped jeans, combat boots, and a different band t-shirt every day. She’s beautiful, and intelligent, and most definitely your professor. You sit in front every day and take note of everything she says. She’s fascinating and engaging, and the class obviously loves her.

It’s been two weeks and even though her class isn’t easy, no one has dropped yet. You’re always the first in class and the last one out. You raise your hand, give detailed responses, ask questions, and take the best notes. You know it’s stupid, she’s your professor, but you want her to notice _you_ in a room full of students who are trying to get her attention. She smiles at you when you come in to class and says “See you next class, Creampuff”, when you leave. She’s never called you by your name so you’re not sure if she actually knows it, but she never calls any other student by a nickname and that makes you smile to yourself.

You never wanted to be that girl with the hopeless crush on her professor, but you can’t help it- there’s just something about her. You noticed it when you first looked at her sitting in the top row of that auditorium, it’s like the world fades away when you look at her and that hasn’t changed.

You know it’s wrong and that nothing will come of it. You know there’s no way she would ever be interested in you, you’re the student, she’s the teacher and it’s against every rule in the book, but sometimes when she looks at you as you’re giving an answer in class or participating in a discussion, you feel like maybe she sees something in you too.

\---------------------------------------------------------

The first time you actually see her outside of class, she’s sitting by herself at one of the picnic tables in the north quad. She’s picking at a salad and looking over some papers and you consider approaching her but before you can work up the nerve, a girl that you recognize from your philosophy class goes up to her and strikes up a conversation. Carmilla stops what she’s doing and smiles at the girl, inviting her to sit with her.

The girl practically beams and the smile you didn’t realize had appeared on your face at the sight of your professor, falls. You turn around and head in the opposite direction before they can notice you staring and tell yourself to pull it together- she’s your teacher, you’re her student, and your relationship ends there.

\---------------------------------------------------------

The next time you see her you’re at a get together at a bar just off campus and you’re having a drink with your cute Lit TA, Danny. She invited you out on what you’re kind of assuming is a not a date-date. She’s been flirting with you for a while and she’s nice and she takes you out for pie after class sometimes. Danny is smart, and tall, and beautiful, and she’s easy to talk to and have a good time with.

A bunch of the Zeta guys are doing shots in the corner with/against the Summer Society girls. Your floor don Perry and her best friend (partner, maybe?) LaFontaine, are sitting in one of the high tops absorbed in conversation.

Perry looks mildly uncomfortable and like she wants to clean everything in sight. LaFontaine is looking around and making notes on a napkin like they’re collecting data for some sort of experiment. They were the first people you met when you moved into the dorm and you like both of them a lot. Perry is giving you encouraging looks from behind Danny’s back but, if the thumbs down is anything to go by, LaFontaine seems to not be fond of Danny for some reason.

Danny is in the middle of telling you a story about her first year at Silas, which you are absolutely listening to, when something pulls your attention to the entrance of the bar. You see Carmilla walk in with a couple of people you think you recognize as other Silas professors.

Danny must notice your attention is no longer on her, instead it’s on following Carmilla through the bar with your eyes, because she waves her hand in front of your face and turns around to see what you were looking at.

“Hey, are you ok? You kind of zoned out. Anything interesting going on back there?”

She smiles at you in kind of a goofy way, not offended by your distraction, just curious as to what you looking at.

“No! Gosh, Danny, I’m sorry. It’s just…some people walked in and I guess the door opening distracted me. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to zone out in the middle of your story!”

You flash her your most innocent grin and she seems to accept your answer, picking her story back up. You really try to pay attention, but now that you know Carmilla is here your gaze keeps going back to her. If Danny notices your distraction, she doesn’t comment again.

One of the female professors says something in Carmilla’s ear that makes her laugh and when you notice her run her hand down Carmilla’s arm you kind of scoff to yourself.

“Seriously, Laura, are you sure you’re ok?"

You shift your attention back to Danny but before you can answer there’s a shout from behind you, coming from where the Zetas are having their drinking contest with the Summer Society.

Danny looks over to them, momentarily distracted, and it seems the commotion caught Carmilla’s attention as well because she’s looking your way. She raises her hand in a slight wave when you lock eyes and you can’t help smiling at the small acknowledgement.

You wave back but then you look away and blush, which seems to be your go to response whenever Carmilla’s attention is on you. You look back over to her but she’s talking to her group again and Danny’s focus is back on you.

“Look Laura, if you don’t want to be here there’s no pressure, really. I just thought we have a good time together and maybe-“

“We do! Absolutely! Danny, I’m sorry. I know I already said that before and I am distracted but I promise it’s not you, ok? I just saw my philosophy professor and it’s kind of weird to see your professor at a bar outside of class, you know? But, I really like spending time with you and whatever you thought, you’re right.”

Danny smiles at you then, a big, bright smile full of sincerity. You feel bad sitting here with Danny and thinking about Carmilla, when clearly you’re with a great girl that is obviously into you. You shouldn’t be thinking of anyone else but Danny. You didn’t lie when you said you really like spending time with her and you realize how true it is when she smiles at you like you just made her night.

It’s not fair to think about Carmilla, to let her distract you, to be upset that someone else is spending time with her. You don’t even know Carmilla, not really, she’s your professor, and she probably has no idea how she’s affecting you or that she’s affecting you at all.

You resolve to stop thinking about your impossible crush on your professor and focus solely on the girl in front of you. You resume your conversation with Danny and order another drink- the night is still young and she’s making you laugh. You find out that you have a lot of the same tastes in literature and for the next hour or so you talk about your favorite books and have a couple more drinks, Carmilla completely gone from your mind.

You excuse yourself to the bathroom because those drinks really went right through you, and Danny smiles and earnestly says she’s not going anywhere.

You’re washing your hands when the bathroom door open and Carmilla walks in. She smirks when she sees you and when she speaks it’s probably the first time she’s addressed you outside of class.

“Hey Buttercup. Strange seeing you outside of class, didn’t think this was your scene.”

You kind of want to swoon at the nickname and at the way she looks because now that you’re up close you can appreciate her tight leather pants and high heels. Isn’t there some unwritten rule that professors are supposed to be old and frumpy, not young and hot?

“Not my scene? What’s that supposed to mean?”

You don’t mean to sound abrasive but you’re trying not to swoon so you might be overcompensating. Carmilla doesn’t react to your tone however. She always has an air of indifference and nonchalance.

“Smoky bars just don’t seem like your kind of place is all. You strike me as more…provincial, not really into places like this.”

“I like places like this just fine, thank you very much. My friends invited me.”

“Oh yea, that beanstalk you were sitting with. “

That way she refers to Danny sets you on edge. Carmilla doesn’t even know Danny so she has no right to talk about her….however she was talking about her.

“Her name is Danny, and she’s great.”

Carmillas’ lips draw back in a languid smile and she looks at the floor before looking back at you.

“I’m sure she is Cupcake. Have fun with the jolly ginger giant.”

And just like that she walks into a stall and leaves you staring at the door, angry for some reason. You stalk out of the bathroom and you try to figure out what set you off. Maybe it was the mocking tone in which she referred to Danny, who she doesn’t even know.

You’re livid and you don’t really know why, but you wonder what you ever liked about Carmilla in the first place. Sure she’s hot, but she’s not even nice, and she’s condescending, and sarcastic, and rude.

Where the hell does she even get off mocking Danny? And how did she even piss you off in the first conversation you’ve ever had? It wasn’t even two minutes long! At least now that you know how infuriating Carmilla really is you can definitely get over your silly crush on her.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

You and Danny start sort of dating. She walks you to as many classes as she can and holds your hand the whole way. The pie dates after class have also gone from once in a while to all the time. You kiss and it’s soft, and tentative, and sweet. You’re still finding your footing as a new couple but it feels nice and easy.

You stopped participating as much in Carmilla’s class because you don’t really want her to notice you the way you used to. You participate in class discussion when you have a point to make, but you don’t raise your hand anymore, and you’re not as zealous about your note talking. You know Carmilla has noticed because you’ve seen her frown at you once or twice when you don’t raise your hand.

Carmilla doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t call on you to answer her questions, mostly because every other student is tripping over themselves to give their answer and hopefully impress her. The girl that sat with her that one time is the most vocal. If only that girl knew how infuriating Carmilla was, maybe she wouldn’t be trying to impress her so much. Like you used to do.

Danny starts droping you off at Carmilla’s class with a kiss and a wave goodbye when she doesn’t have Summer Society stuff to do. On the days that she drops you off Carmilla always seems to be in a bad mood. It doesn’t strike you as particularly odd because you’ve decided you don’t care about Carmilla’s mood, or her anything- she’s infuriating and you don’t even notice her.

Except…you kind of still do notice her. You can’t help it. Especially because when she’s in one of her moods, she doesn’t seem to care that your hand isn’t raised and she is constantly calling on you to answer and always challenges your answers to her questions.

It starts a fire in you because you’re not use to people challenging you the way Carmilla does. She seems almost intent in pissing you off sometimes, and whenever you get stuck on a rebuttal she always grins victorious and dismissive and it makes you want to scream.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Carmilla assigns a paper halfway through the semester that you’re having trouble with. She wants you to write about the existence of a higher power, but you’re not really sure what she means by higher power so you can’t exactly compose nine pages on an ambiguous topic.

She has office hours after class and you’ve never been to see her before, mostly because you didn’t think you would be able to keep your composure alone in an office with her, but this is an important paper and you need clarification.

Danny walks you to Carmilla’s office and you’re standing outside her door holding hands and giggling, waiting for her to get in. Danny leans in for a kiss just as Carmilla is rounding the corner and maybe it’s inappropriate to kiss in front of your professor’s office but you don’t care because Danny is your girlfriend and it’s only a small peck.

Carmilla goes into her office and slams her door without sparing you a glance. Danny breaks away and leaves you to it, so you knock on Carmilla’s door and wait for her to tell you to come in.

“What?”

You hear Carmilla bark at you from inside the office and it raises your hackles.

“It’s Laura. Can I come in? I have a question about the paper.”

You hear her mutter “whatever”, so you open the door and step in, closing it behind you.

“Lock the door.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a popular girl. Wouldn’t want someone barging in and interrupting what I’m sure is about to be a brilliant inquiery.”

You openly scoff at her because she’s blatantly antagonizing you, but you lock the door and take a seat in front of her desk.

“Well? To what do I owe the pleasure of your company? “

You don’t think you’ve ever heard something more insincere come out of someones’ mouth. You wonder if Carmilla’s talent to say everything sarcastically was learned or just an innate ability she was born with. Why does she set you on edge every time you speak to her one on one? You grind your teeth before answering.

“Look, Carmilla-“

“I’m sorry, are we friends?”

“Uh, no….”

“Then please explain to me why you think you can refer to me by first name as if we’re some sort of buddies.”

“You said to call you Carmilla in class. You said it on the first day!”

“Well we’re not in class, and for someone who openly scoffs at me and my authority you should tread lightly, Laura.”

You think you might be hearing things but from the sudden chill in your blood you know you definitely heard correctly. She’s never, not once since you met that first day of class, called you by your name. She’s always referred to you by some sort of pastry related nickname.

The way she said your name was like a warning, like something dirty in her mouth. You don’t know why she’s acting this way, why she’s been acting this way towards you for some time now. Sure you stopped participating in class, and you might openly combat her from time to time, but she practically goaded you into it. The look on her face is thunderous.

“Ok, Professor Karnstein, I’m here about the topic for the paper.”

“What about it? Do I have to spell things out for you now Laura?”

Again with the name thing. It’s your given name, everyone calls you by your name, your friends, Danny, your dad, so why does it bother you so much when Carmilla says it? You take a deep breath before answering her because she’s still your professor and the last thing you need is to piss her off, although it seems like you already have and you don’t even know how.

“I just don’t know what you mean by ‘higher power’.”

“And here I thought that you had at least half a brain.”

“Ok, seriously, what is your problem?”

“My problem, Laura-“

Again with the name!

“-is that I don’t appreciate coming to MY office and having a pair of imbecilic students making out in front of my door!”

“Stop insulting me! And stop insulting Danny! We weren’t making out it was just a kiss! And what business is it of yours where and when I kiss my girlfriend anyway?”

You didn’t realize that you had stood up while you were yelling or that Carmilla was also standing and had made her way to the front of the desk and was standing right in front of you.

“It’s my business when it happens in front of my office door! This is a school, not a club, show some respect!”

“Respect for you?! You’ve been insulting me since I walked in here, and you’ve been mocking Danny since you saw her at that bar!”

By now you’re standing toe to toe with Carmilla and neither one of you is backing down. God, you are just so livid! How dare she talk to you like that? She has no right to say those things or to insult you.

The worst part is that roaring fire in your stomach is turning to molten lava because you can’t help but look at her flushed face and fall into her again. The crush that you thought was gone, obliterated by her terrible attitude and your new, easy relationship, was really just repressed and buried deep, deep down.

Her eyes are dark and wide, her jaw is set in a rigid line, and she’s breathing hard in anger. And god, she is just so, so pretty. There’s always been something unexplainable about her that calls to you. You’re so angry but you can’t help but look from her eyes to her lips and back again.

Then you’re kissing her. Or she’s kissing you. You don’t know who kissed who, but you’re definitely kissing each other. And it’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever felt in your life and it just feels so, so incredibly right, being with her like this.

It’s not slow, or tender, or tentative, or sweet. It’s like a roaring fire and you’re grasping at each other desperately trying to quell it. You see fireworks explode behind closed eyelids and stars dancing in your head. You feel dizzy but so incredibly alive. It’s like everything has slowed down and sped up at the same time. You’re familiar with clichés, and you experience all of them.

Your hands are grasping her face, trying to pull her closer and her arms are around your back pulling you into her. You have no rational thought, but you wonder how you could ever stop this, kissing her. It seems impossible in this moment and your lungs ache but you refuse to surface for breath and apparently Carmilla feels the same way because you can feel her clutching you to her.

This is wrong. You know this is wrong for a million reason, not the least of which are that she’s your professor and that you have a wonderful, sweet, trusting girlfriend. The sudden thought of Danny is sobering and you feel like a bucket of cold water was dumped over your head, enough to shock you into alertness but not to put out the raging fire. Still, you pull back from Carmilla because you should definitely not be doing this. Not to Danny.

Carmilla makes a sound of protest and tries to bring your lips back together but at your whispered, desperate “no”, she backs off. She’s still holding you, and you’re still holding her, your foreheads resting together and your lungs drawing deep shaky breaths.

You open your eyes to look at her and her eyes are closed. She has a slight, pained frown and you take your hands that are still cupping her face and smooth it out, bringing her face down to lay a kiss on her forehead before pulling further away. Carmilla cups your face suddenly before you manage to move out of her arms completely and brings your lips back to hers for one more, hard, desperate kiss before she lets you go.

Your body is on fire but you can feel yourself trembling. You realize that you just pulled away from the one thing you’ve been wanting since you first saw her. Your legs feel like they are about to give out so you sit down.

Carmilla leans back against her desk for support and stare at you silently. You can’t handle the intensity of her gaze so you drop your head into your hands and take deep breaths. You’re both quiet and the silence seems to stretch on forever. It’s a heavy, coiling thing, wrapping around your insides and squeezing.

You wish Carmilla would say something but she doesn’t and you don’t know if she’s waiting for you to speak first or if she’s just at a loss for words.

“I have a girlfriend.”

It’s so stupid, but it’s the only thing you can say. It’s running through your mind on a loop. You look up at Carmilla then and the look in her eyes is indescribable. As long as you live you never want to see that look in her eyes again but you know it probably won’t be the last time during this conversation.

She still doesn’t speak. She’s waiting on you to continue, but you can see words forming on the tip of her tongue. You wish she would just say something.

The tears come then and you can’t stop them. The weight of what you just did finally starting to settle down on you. Carmilla looks startled but she doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. You can’t help the flow of words that pour either.

“Oh god! I have a girlfriend! A wonderful, sweet, trusting girlfriend who thinks I’m just having a meeting with my professor about my paper! She would never suspect that I would cheat on her. Oh my god, I cheated on her! I’m a cheater!”

“Laura, Laura, Laura! Laura stop! You’re not a cheater, ok? Just calm down.”

Carmilla grabs your hands and squeezes tight, bringing you back into focus.

“How can you say that? We just….we….”

“I know, ok? I know. We did. But it’s not a big deal, just-“

You pull your hands away from her because you can’t be touching her when she’s about to say something that might break your heart.

“It is a big deal! It’s a huge deal! On the category of deals, it’s the biggest! Carmilla, I’m….did you….did it mean anything to you?”

You ask because you have to know, as much as you might dread her answer. The way she kissed you, held onto you, the look in her eye, it has to have meant something to her. Right?

“Yes.”

She says it so quietly you can barely hear her. The vice on your heart loosens and you breathe a sigh of relief. You feel terrible because you know it shouldn’t be a relief to hear her say that kissing you meant something to her, but you’re starting to realize that maybe your feelings for her aren’t just a silly crush. Carmilla looks like a weight has been lifted off of her too. She kneels down in front of you and takes your hands again. She looks into your eyes and this time you look right back, holding her gaze.

“Cupcake, do you remember the first day of class? You walked in and you just stood at the front of the auditorium.”

You laugh because you do remember. You stood there like a dumbstruck idiot just staring at her.

“I heard someone say ‘what’s up with the frosh she’s been standing there for like ten minutes’, and I looked up and saw you standing there looking right at me. The second I looked at you, everything stopped, everyone faded away and it was just me and you. Something happens to me every time I look at you and I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to stop it but there’s just something about you. So, yea….kissing you, it meant something to me.”

You don’t know how you’re still drawing breath. She described everything you felt when you looked at her. All this time you thought it was one sided, that she didn’t notice you, that she could never feel the same way. You want to jump for joy and kiss her again until you’re both blue in the face, but you can’t. Because the reasons you stopped kissing her in the first place, are still reasons.

“Carmilla, I have a girlfriend.”

“Leave her.”

The way she says it, so suddenly, so full of conviction, makes you want to weep.

“Leave her?! Carmilla, you’re my professor! The fact that I have a girlfriend is the least of our problems. Not that Danny is a problem! God, this is so messed up.”

“Laura, I don’t…I’m not an open person, with my feelings, but there is something between us that I can’t deny and I’m asking you….leave her.”

“And then what? We start dating? Walk around campus holding hands, kiss in the quad, go to the formal dance together? You’re my professor. And….I care about Danny, I don’t want to hurt her.”

You can’t do this. You can’t actually sit here and have this conversation with her when your mind is racing and the only thought you can settle on is that you have a girlfriend.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

Carmilla has that look on her face again but she doesn’t try to stop you as you get up and rush out of her office. You make it all the way across campus and back to your dorm room in record time.

You’ve never been more thankful that your roommate decided to drop out at the start of the semester and the university never assigned you a new one. You really don’t think you could deal with seeing any one right now. You throw yourself on your bed and have a good long cry. Everything is so messed up. How did you let this happen?

Danny texts you to see if you want to grab dinner but you ignore it. You don’t think you can talk to her right now. It’s so selfish because she’s the wronged party here, not that she knows that, but you just need your space to think about things.

There’s a knock on your door and you really hope they go away if you don’t answer but they don’t. You get up to answer the door hoping Danny didn’t decide to drop by unannounced but it turns out to be LaFontaine, sans Perry, which is a small blessing.

Perry is great but you definitely can’t deal with her mother hen behavior right now. LaF takes one look at you and from the look on their face you figure you must look pretty bad. Probably about as bad as you feel.

“Geez frosh, you ok?”

You consider the question even though the answer is easy. No, you’re not ok. You just kissed your professor who you thought didn’t like you, only it turns out that she apparently likes you a lot, enough to ask you to leave your girlfriend, who coincidentally you just cheated on. No doesn’t really seem to cover how not ok you are.

You like LaF though, they helped you move in to the dorm , and sometimes they come by and watch Orphan Black with you, and you’re both weirdly fascinated with paranormal stuff. You decide you could actually use a friend right now.

“I would like to get very drunk please.”

You’re not typically a drinker and LaF looks surprised but they agree. You end up back at the bar where you spoke to Carmilla for the first time.

Danny has sent you a couple more texts but you’ve ignored them which earns you a raised eyebrow from LaF. They try to make casual conversation about some weird stuff happening at the library after dark, and some sort of mutated Alchemy Club experiment but you’re barely paying attention.

“L, I don’t want to pry but if you want to talk, well, you can talk to me.”

They’re looking at you, concerned and earnest, and you realize you do want to talk so everything just spills out. It feels good to get everything out in the open and not have it suffocate you from the inside, but you also feel terrible at admitting what you did out loud.

LaF is sympathetic and they don’t make you feel like the worst kind of person. They buy you more drinks and at the end of the night you’re both incredibly drunk, but you actually feel better as you stumble back to campus together.

You say goodbye to LaFontaine at their door and when you get to yours at the end of the hall, you see that apparently Danny has been waiting for you.

She says she was worried about you because you didn’t answer her texts so she came to check on you. She says she called you repeatedly so you check your phone and you see that you do have 9 missed calls and 16 unanswered text messages, along with a few voicemails you’re pretty sure you don’t want to listen to.

You explain you went to the bar and had a few drink with LaFontaine and you didn’t check your phone. You apologize because it’s the least you can do, considering. Danny seems upset that you went out with LaF because apparently she thinks they’re not a good influence and you realize that you weren’t imagining the animosity between.

She lectures you outside your room about making poor decisions and you know she was worried about you and that you should really just take your lumps, especially today, but something about the way she’s taking to you, like you don’t know better is on the verge of setting you off.

You tell Danny to have a goodnight and that you’ll text her tomorrow because you really don’t want to fight in your dorm hall while you’re three sheets to the wind and it is going on 2 AM. She asks if she can come inside but you tell her that’s not a good idea so she leaves and you can finally go inside and get some rest.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

You meet Danny for breakfast the day after your one-sided argument and you apologize and give her some lame excuse about feeling unprepared for your paper, but you definitely don’t tell her what happened in Carmilla’s office.

You know the right thing to do would be to tell her but you can’t bring yourself to say the words, and you don’t want to get Carmilla in trouble. You could confess to kissing someone else and not say who, but Danny isn’t stupid, she would figure it out- your dad always said you were a terrible liar.

You don’t go to Carmilla’s class for the whole week. Danny lectures you about missing class but you need to focus on your paper and not on the curve of Carmilla’s lips or the set of her jaw. Plus you’re pretty sure seeing her would just pile on to the guilt which you are actively trying to avoid.

Things are semi-normal with Danny again, you still go out for pie after class and she makes you feel good, and it’s easy. You remember what you liked about her in the first place- there’s no struggle to be with her.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

On Monday you go back to class. Your paper is due and you actually worked pretty hard on it, partly due to Carmilla’s snarky comment about being brainless. You know she was just trying to get a rise out of you, but it struck a nerve and as you started researching and writing you found that you actually connected with the topic and it just flowed.

She’s at her desk logging in to the computer to start the lesson and for some reason she looks up right as you walk through the door. She looks surprised and pleased for a moment before she sees Danny standing behind you and her face falls.

Danny insisted on walking you to class again- she joked that she wanted to make sure you actually went after missing it for a week. She leans down for a kiss goodbye and you give her your cheek. She seems surprised but she says goodbye and you take your seat.

Carmilla was looking at you the whole time but now she’s gone back to what she was doing. You consider taking a seat in the back but decide that would be childish and instead you take your usual seat in the first row.

Secretly you missed Carmilla and you want to be close to her again, even though you know you shouldn’t. She starts the lesson and doesn’t look your way once. It makes you feel like there’s a black hole in your chest but you did avoid her class for a week and you’re trying to move on from what happened and get on with your relationship with Danny, so you try to get over it. It’s not easy.

You look at her and everything fades away until it’s just white noise. How did you go without seeing her for a whole week? How did you manage to forget that, besides the fact that she’s in it, you actually really like her class?

Her lectures are interesting and she’s always so confident and knowledgeable. The class goes by in a blur. You’ve barely registered time moving at all but then students are shuffling out of their seats and she’s reminding them to hand in their papers.

You walk up to her desk and hand her the paper-she takes it without looking at you. You feel kind of dejected but you walk out and tell yourself you have no right to feel that way.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next time you have Carmilla’s class, Danny has a summer Society event and she doesn’t walk you. You’re relieved because you really want to avoid Danny and Carmilla in proximity of each other, even though Danny is completely oblivious to the tension. Or if she’s not then she doesn’t let on.

Carmilla calls on you as soon as you step into class and hearing her address you again for the first time in over a week, sets off butterflies in your stomach.

“Laura? See me after class.”

She doesn’t even look up from her lesson plan as she addresses you, just carries on doing what she was doing, either not knowing or not caring that she just sent you for a tail spin. What could she possibly want to see you after class about? She wouldn’t try to talk to you about what happened in her office would she?

“About what?”

She glances up at you then and the look she gives you makes you want to scamper to your seat and duck your head.

“About your paper.”

Your paper? What could possibly be wrong with your paper? How did she even get to your paper already out of the hundreds she has to grade? Unless it’s an excuse and she does want to talk about what happened. A thrill goes through you and you have to tell yourself to pull it together.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

After class ends and the last student walks out you stand up and head over to Carmilla’s desk. She’s packing up her things so she doesn’t acknowledge you until she’s done and then she tells you to follow her and proceeds to walk out of the empty classroom without looking back.

You really should not go after her but curiosity killed the cat and you are majoring in investigative journalism so you can’t help- you’re a naturally curious person and you want to know what Carmilla has to say.

You follow after her before she can get too far ahead of you and trail behind her in silence. You notice she’s not leading you in the direction of her office and is instead walking toward the north quad. She sets her things down on an empty table off to one side in a fairly secluded corner, still out in the open where the dozens of people around can see you, but isolated enough to have a private conversation. She tells you to wait at the table and then disappears into the crowd.

She comes back a few minutes later, just as you’re in the middle of berating yourself, with two coffees and sets one down in front of you. She sits down across from you and starts pulling some papers out of her bag.

“What is this?”

“Coffee. I don’t know how you take it so I had the barista give me the most sugary thing on the menu.”

She wrinkles her nose in distaste and you want to kiss her again. You wonder how she knew you would what you would like. Still, you roll your eyes because that’s not what you meant and you know that she knows that.

“That’s not what I meant. I mean why are we here? Drinking coffee together, like friends or…..”

You trail off because you’re not sure what you were going to say. Or you are, but it was probably best to stop that train of thought before it manifested fully.

“I figured you wouldn’t want to talk alone in my office, so I brought us to a public place.”

She shrugs and looks away, turning back to you once she seemingly gathers herself.

“Anyway, about your paper-“

“Wait, you mean you really do want to talk about my paper?”

“That’s what I told you this was about, wasn’t it?”

“Well yea, but….”

You trail off there because you don’t want to sound even more stupid than you already have. It’s obvious she knows what you were thinking if the smirk on her face is any indication.

“Look, Laura, your paper is great. It’s well written and thought provoking, your points are fully developed and it seems like you really connected with the topic. I wanted to go over it with you because I think it’s a good candidate for getting published, there’s just some minor stuff I’d like you to address before I submit it.”

“You…want to have my paper published?”

“Yea. I really enjoyed reading it. I thought you had a good perspective.”

“Well I guess I do have half a brain after all.”

To her credit she manages to look ashamed for half a second but she doesn’t make an excuse or apologize. She starts talking about the paper then and outlining what she wants you to do. You take notes of everything she says but eventually the conversation shifts from being about the paper to a casual conversation between two people getting to know each other.

You find out she’s actually pretty funny, in a sarcastic kind of way. Carmilla likes to make fun of people walking by and her observations make you laugh. She asks about your major and whether you enjoy her class. You ask about her field of study and where she’s from.

It’s actually easy to talk to her like this and you enjoy her company. You also regret enjoying her company but neither one of you mentions what happened in her office. You make plans to meet up after your next class to go over the paper again once you’ve made the changes she wanted.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Carmilla meet two more time for coffee dates to discuss the paper before you realize what you’re doing. It really shouldn’t have taken you so long to notice but you enjoyed actually getting to know her, and you were discussing your paper so it was easy to lie to yourself.

You admit to yourself that you didn’t make all the changes she wanted the first time because you wanted to see her again like this. You tell yourself it’s innocent enough, you’re not doing anything, you discuss the paper and then you get to know each other- friends do that.

Except the way you feel about her is not at all friendly and if Danny knew how you felt she probably wouldn’t think it was innocent either. You always meet in public and there haven’t been any more instances like in her office. Carmilla keeps her distance from you at all times, always sitting across from you and never touching you at all.

She’s very careful not to let your hands brush against each other when she hands you something, but sometimes she looks at you and you feel your temperature sky rocket. No one would think anything untoward was going on with you, just a student and her professor going over some schoolwork, but you know it’s more than that. It’s not exactly cheating, but you’re more invested in these coffee dates with Carmilla than in your actual relationship with Danny.

You decide it’s not fair to your girlfriend that you feel this way for another woman- that you have been feeling this way for a long time. You end things with Danny and she’s understandably upset. She wants to know why and if she did something wrong- you assure her that’s not the case. You tell her that you guys just need different things right now and that you know your feelings for her aren’t as strong as her feelings for you and you don’t want to string her along and hurt her more in the long run.

She asks if there is someone else and you consider lying, but you’ve already lied to her enough so you tell her that it’s not someone you’re with, or can be with, but that you do have feelings for someone else. Danny is crushed and she leaves your dorm room without a word. When you see her in Lit class she ignores you and if you happen to walk by her on campus she pretends you don’t exist. You suppose you deserve it.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Carmilla invites you over to her apartment one night, a couple weeks after you break up with Danny- you’ve both stopped pretending that the only reason you get together is to discuss the paper, which has long since been completed.

You had a coffee date with Carmilla the day after your break-up. You had barely gotten any sleep, too torn up about hurting Danny’s feelings, and there were dark circles under your eyes. Carmilla asked you what was wrong and you told her what happened, leaving out the part where your break-up was in part due to your feelings for her.

To your surprise Carmilla didn’t look immediately pleased, even though you remembered her words back in her office, ‘leave her’. She was sympathetic and you could tell she felt bad about how you were feeling, but not about the break-up itself- you thought it was kind of sweet of her. She bought you a cupcake and you smiled for the first time all day.

But now Carmilla has invited you over to her apartment and you really want to go, but you’re afraid to be alone with her again. You’re also excited but it’s more of a terrified excitement. You don’t think Carmilla would put the moves on you or do something you don’t want, she seems to have some weird Victorian sensibilities, but you’re afraid of what this means for your relationship.

What kind of relationship do you even have? You both like each other, that much is obvious, and you’ve actually gotten to really know each other through your coffee dates, but she’s still your professor.

You asked LaFontaine what to do but they just cheered you on and told you to get on with your bad self- they seemed embarrassed they said that as soon as it came out of their mouth. LaF said that the semester is almost over and then Carmilla won’t be your professor anymore so it won’t be so taboo. Plus it’s not like she invited you over to have sex, she’s just making you dinner.

Only… you kind of feel like going to a woman’s apartment, who you very much have feelings for and who has in the past confessed to having feelings for you, and having her cook you dinner is a bit more intimate than sex.

You kind of think it would be easier if it was just for sex, but Carmilla seems to actually like spending time with you, against all odds, and she doesn’t really seem to like a lot of people. You decide to hell with it and LaF helps you pick out an outfit.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carmilla’s apartment is nice and big and open. She’s told you she doesn’t like cramped spaces because they make her feel like she’s in a coffin. She seems nervous when she welcomes you into her home and that kind of makes you feel better- at least you’re not the only one.

You find out she has a black cat named Bagheera and you think it’s adorable, but totally predictable. You tell her so and she tells you to shut up but she smiles when she says it. You also discover she’s a great cook and a bit of a wine snob.

Over dinner you talk about your family life back home, your dad’s overprotectiveness, and your mom who is no longer in the picture. It’s not typically something you talk about but Carmilla makes you feel at ease, and she opened her home to you, so you share a part of yourself with her.

You ask her how old she is because for some reason that question never came up before. She says she’s 26 and you mention how it’s incredible that she has a university teaching position at her age. She tells you her mother is the dean of the university and that she doesn’t like telling people because then they assume she was just handed her position on a silver platter.

She said it made things easier, certainly, but her mother is a hard woman and she doesn’t just give hand outs. She tells you that she had to apply and interview and demonstrate her ability to the hiring board just like anyone else.

You ask her why she applied to work at Silas in the first place, knowing what people would think if they knew she was the dean’s daughter. She tells you that she was living in New York some years ago with her girlfriend Ell, that they were engaged, and that Ell had died.

She doesn’t go into specifics and you don’t ask, but she says that after that she just wanted to come home and be around familiar surroundings so she asked her mom to get her a job interview. Her eyes are sad and far away so you place your hand over hers and she comes back to you. She says for years she’s never looked twice at someone, until there was you.

You want to reach over and kiss her, but you don’t. Instead you help her clear the table and then both of you settle in to watch TV in the living room, Bagheera curled on your lap.

The next thing you know you’re rubbing the sleep from your eyes and waking up on an unfamiliar couch. It takes you a couple minutes to get your bearings but then you remember you were watching TV with Carmilla on the couch in her apartment and realize you must have fallen asleep. Carmilla covered you with a blanket and took off your shoes. You smile fondly to yourself.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

You’re back in your dorm after having breakfast and making small talk with Carmilla. LaF is in your room giving you a hard time about spending the night and asking for details. While they ramble on you smile to yourself- you’ve been doing that a lot lately but you can’t help it.

You feel so incredibly lucky to know her, to have her open up to you and to be able to open up to her with no fear of rejection. You feel honored that she’s giving you her attention out of any of the other girls that have come before you.

LaFontaine is waiting and you finally indulge them in small details. Mostly you just gush about her and LaF makes a gagging noise so you throw your pillow at them. They say they are happy for you, but warn you to be careful because student/teacher relationships are tricky and they can get messy.

You promise that you will be, and you thank LaF for everything because they really are a great friend. They blush and leave you alone in your room. You think about Carmilla for the rest of the day and the smile never leaves your face.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

The visits to her apartment are becoming more frequent. Your first semester is over so she’s no longer your professor. She helps you study for your new classes and you help her grade papers at her apartment- she feeds you home cooked meals in return. The sleepovers are also becoming more frequent, but nothing has happened between you and Carmilla since that first kiss in her office, and you always sleep on the couch.

You sit with her drinking wine and talking well into the morning before falling asleep. Carmilla doesn’t ask you to share her bed, but you feel like you’re getting closer to her than you’ve ever been to anyone.

When you finally kiss again, you’re walking hand in hand through a secluded park close to her apartment. It’s a beautiful clear night, full of stars, and Carmilla is telling you about the constellations and her apparent love for the cosmos.

She’s talking and looking up at the stars and you’re looking at her wondering what you’ve both been waiting for. She must notice you’re not paying attention to her because she turns towards you and you pull her in to a deep kiss because you can’t help yourself. She smiles against your mouth and you just stand there, kissing under the stars. Again, you think it’s such a cliché.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

You spend so much time at Carmilla’s apartment you practically live there. You guys haven’t said you’re a couple but you kiss and hold hands and sleep in the same bed on the nights you stay over- which is practically every night.

Rumors start swirling around the university that you and Carmilla are sleeping together, which is untrue but not a huge leap. The student body is split between giving you high fives for bagging the hot, young professor, or glaring at you and whispering behind your back about what a slut you are.

You see Danny around campus and she glares at you and stomps away in the opposite direction. It doesn’t take long for the rumors to reach the faculty and then the administration. Carmilla has a disciplinary hearing coming up and you’re pacing her living room freaking out. Carmilla, oddly, is very calm.

After the hearing she gets put on probation and the rest of the staff mostly shun her. It’s not forbidden to be involved with a student provided they aren’t in your class or your program, which you aren’t- still the dean is not very pleased with her.

She tells you she doesn’t care about that because you’re worth it and now that people know about the two of you, you can go public with your relationship. You ask her if you’re in a relationship and she says of course like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, even though neither one of you had discussed it before. It makes you insanely happy. She makes you insanely happy.

You hold hands on campus and the only supporters are LaFontaine and Perry- who frowns upon the student/teacher relationship, but wants to see you happy- and that Zeta guy Kirsch who was in your Lit class.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

You’re cutting up vegetables for the salad she insists you have, when she tells you to move in with her and you almost slice off your finger.

“Careful Creampuff, you’re going to need those.”

She gives you a smirk and a flirty wink filled with innuendo, like she didn’t just ask you something monumental. You haven’t even been officially together that long. Does she really want to tempt the administration like that? Dating is one thing, but cohabitation? The dean might have a stroke.

Carmilla says it will strengthen your position by showing them how serious you are. You didn’t know you were that serious yet. Her smile fades the longer you take to answer and she tells you there’s no pressure.

But you do feel pressured. Not exactly by her, but by the weight of it all. You remember her telling you that she was engaged and living with someone, that they had a life together. You’re afraid that she’s trying to recreate that life with you, and that maybe you won’t live up to it. You don’t know if you’re ready for that kind of commitment.

You tell Carmilla all of this because you really care about her and you don’t want to keep secrets, especially because her heart is on the line too.

She tells you that she would never use you to replace anybody. She says she understands your fears but she didn’t think it was a big deal because you practically spend the night every day, all that was missing was making it official. She says she thought you were on the same page.

You realize she’s right with sudden clarity. You do spend almost every day here- she had given you a key months ago. You go grocery shopping together, you clean her cat’s litter box, you cook meals together, you help her grade papers, she helps you with course work, you watch TV together every night, and most of your clothes are in her closet.

You’ve been building a life with her for months and you didn’t even notice because it was all so seamless. The transition from your life alone to your life with her was practically nonexistent.

You’re swept up in a wave of euphoria then and you take her along with you. She’s confused but smiling at your sudden change in attitude and she doesn’t complain when you plant kisses all over her face and walk her backwards into the bedroom. She was right, you did need your fingers.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’ve been living with Carmilla for a few years now and while things weren’t always perfect, you have no regrets. You’ve both changed from the people you were when you first met, not just as individuals, but as a couple. You like to think you’ve made Carmilla softer, happier, and in turn she’s made you more assertive and sarcastic.

Your dad loves her. After he got over the whole/student teacher thing and actually got to know her, he saw how happy she makes you and how well she takes care of you. It doesn’t hurt that you spend every holiday with him and Carmilla is always getting him ridiculously expensive gifts.

Her mom seems to like you too, which Carmilla says is a miracle because her mom doesn’t like anybody. She told you her mom never really liked Ell, but that she thinks you’re plucky- whatever that means.

You’re going to be graduating in a few days and you and Carmilla haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen now. You’ve been putting it off on purpose, and you find a way to change the subject every time she brings it up.

You kind of know what you want but you’ve been afraid to talk to her about it because you don’t know how she’ll react. You applied for grad school in New York and you got accepted but you haven’t known how to tell her.

How do you tell your girlfriend that you want her to move back to the site of her biggest heartbreak just because you want to go to school there?

You went out for drinks with LaFontaine and Perry hoping to get some advice, but they weren’t much help. They just told you to be honest with Carmilla and you know they’re right but you don’t want to hurt her by asking her for something you don’t know she can give you.

You want to go to New York, but you don’t want to leave her- you love her. That’s not even an option. You’re afraid that she won’t want to go and that you’ll stay here with her and grow to resent her because you missed an opportunity you really wanted. You’re even more afraid that she’ll go with you because she loves you and wants to make you happy, but then she’ll grow to resent you because you brought her back to a place she ran away from. You don’t know which is worse.

When you get home it’s quiet, which is not unusual but there are a couple of boxes by the door that weren’t there before. You call for Carmilla and she yells out to you from the bedroom, which you can now see is also full of boxes.

“Hey…what’s going on? Are we getting rid of some things?”

She putting some knick knacks away in a box and she stops packing to address you, rolling her eyes and sweeping her bangs out of her face.

“We probably should, given all the crap we seem to have hoarded in here. I blame you.”

You are not a hoarder, you just don’t like getting rid of things. But that still doesn’t answer your question.

“So then what are we doing?”

“Moving.”

That’s news to you.

“Ok. Moving where? Shouldn’t we talk about this?”

You don’t know what you said but she gives you a look that makes you think you messed up somehow and it’s one you’ve gotten before and don’t like being on receiving end of.

“You’re right Buttercup, we should talk about it. So, let’s talk about the acceptance letter I saw in your email that said you got into a grad school program in New York.”

Oh. You should be mad she went through your email but you’re kind of relieved that you didn’t have to tell her yourself.

“I was going to tell you. Tonight actually, I just didn’t know how to bring it up. How could I ask you to move back there?”

Carmilla softens then and moves to take your hands in hers.

“You can ask me because we’re a couple, and I love you, and I want you to be happy. Cupcake, when I moved back home I did so because there was nothing left for me in New York, not because I hated it there or because it represents bad memories. I had a life with someone and when they were gone, I couldn’t have that life by myself. Just like my life here is with you, and I can’t have it by myself. I don’t want to. I love you so much. I just want you to be happy, wherever that may be. And I plan to be there with you.”

“I love you so much, Carmilla.”

You kiss her and you’re crying but you can’t stop. She started packing up your lives her without you even asking, to make you happy. It makes you feel better about the other question you had been wanting to ask her.

“So, my dad gave me this for you. I mean I asked him for it, so that I could give it to you. He didn’t just give it to me, like forcing me to give it to you. It’s for…if you want….it’s yours.”

You’re usually better with words but you are really nervous. You place your mother’s ring in her hand and you don’t really know how you expect her to react, but you do know you didn’t expect her to scoff, put on the ring, say ‘Worst. Proposal. Ever’ and get back to packing.

Then again, she’s never really reacted the way you’ve expected her to before.

And you couldn’t be happier.

 


End file.
